Save for your garden variety hacker, and outside of your typical bad or good player who’s somehow landed in a game outside of his rank, I have found there are many uniquely player-types you may find yourself teamed with in any given match. Since I *prefer* going solo in competitive matchmaking, this conclusion should cover just about the lot of them. I’ve also compiled a percentile scale on the chances of any of these types of personalities being Russian. This aggregates matchmaking ranks from about MG1 to DMG.
The Rogue. This player will portray and play an almost believable game initially, colluding with team mates and maybe getting the trade kill here and there every few rounds or so. However, if a spell hits the team for four or so matches you can generally count on this guy completely tearing away and lurking, watching corners with no rhyme or reason to his strategy and generally dismissing any semblance of a gameplan the team may attempt, essentially making it a 4v5. It’s easy to troll these guys, however, by griefing them with low-impact grenade tosses and generally swaying the team mechanics over to the area they want to play. 70% chance they’re Russian. 100% chance they have no voice comm.
The Skype Crew. Here’s your chance to waste 45 minutes of your time playing with a pack of 17 year olds (most likely in the same room as each other) putting the wins on the back burner while they partake in joke buys, ruffian strategies, and just all around lackadaisical casual play. It’s usually the mic spamming about gun skins while there are only one or two people that are alive that will drive a mass voice comm mute. It wouldn’t matter to the team play since they’re not talking about anything useful to the win. At least if they’re in their own Skype call then they can keep the radio free and at least attempt to relay a game plan to any outsiders to their party of what they’re attending to do (which usually doesn’t equal in success either, but at least your ears aren’t bleeding). 10% on the possible Russian scale; these guys are bored American teens on Friday/Saturday nights.
The Black Hole. This person has no concept of team economy. He will buy the AWP the first chance he gets. He will routinely request drops because he has no concept/care for saving, and can’t manage kills with whatever he ends up buying for himself. These guys can usually turn into the Rogue fairly quickly. If you don’t buy him his gun, then he will make known your detriment to the team and starting throwing the match. If you buy him an SMG, he’ll complain since he’s never bothered to be good with any of ’em. 30% Russian probability here.
The Curmudgeon Bastard. This is an unhappy dude. You’re not quite sure why he’s choosing to play competitive matchmaking in one of the biggest multiplayer games around where he hasn’t the complete control to success without cooperating with strangers. This individual will go full tilt on his team if there’s a missed call out. There’s no conceivable reason why the entire team cannot assure 100% correct calls with this guy. There’s something always wrong with someone’s play. He’ll chew in your ear, while having died 1 minute ago, as you engage with an enemy. These cancers will get the quickest block from me, since I’ll start to go out of my way to make their game experience the personal hell they’re making it out to be. Try to find the other civil players on the team and work a strategy that alienates the asshole to a manageable Rogue role and then let his death count do the shit talking for him (note: it won’t). Thankfully, most likely he himself his solo queued, so it’s easy to vote the clown off. There’s nothing wrong with competitive matchmaking being serious, but if you’re a complete ass to your team then you’re going to find yourself worse off. 20% chance of Russian.
The Agitated Smurf. We’ve all had a few of those humbling matches where we’ve either been a part of or the ass end of good whoopin’ by some private profile/and or low hour CS herogod. Smurfs are here to stay. It’s a tough pill to swallow since the trek through GN can really dissuade the casual player to ever pick this game up because these guys land there a lot out of the gate. So like any single-track mind would conjure, sell a skin and buy CS:GO on another account for yourself, rather then work through the game with people at your own skill level. Smurfing becomes more tolerable in the MG ranks since you usually have some well-rounded players on your team to equalize one juggernaut on the other team. But smurfs, please, if your team is screwing up in believable fashion, then keep your mouth shut. If you’re shallow enough to purposely place yourself in lower ranked games, then don’t expect a win with lower ranked people, and definitely don’t degrade them when all they’re doing at this point is barely getting corners and spray patterns down.
The Griefing Derank Crew. I acknowledge them as crew because usually their griefing strategies will align them more comfortably with a fellow comrade in pissing all over the match for the other three people on the team. Their bullshit, after all, is certainly hilarious to the other person ruining the match. Otherwise, if acting alone, these guys are closer to a Rogue more than anything. Mic spam, and generally playing the game as it was unintended is what these guys are looking for. They quickly will turn to TKing, friendly fire, and tossing the bomb off the map if they manage to get much of a reaction from someone attempting to salvage the match. I’ll file the weebs who are queued with some girl who gets free skins under here, despite them usually doing good work in getting wins, they are still off in their own world.
They can be the most infuriating to play with, since they’ll spend half the match bullshitting and the other half ‘trying’, since you know, everyone loves the 14-16 loss an hour after the start.
The Mystery. These guys will mash up their positions on a round to round basis CT side without announcing, dependant on how crap they’re playing with a specific weapon, leaving the rest of the team to scramble and rotate ill-equipped for something they assumed the asshat could manage. This is usually the biggest problem on Dust2, where positional rotates become trivial almost 20 seconds into the round. The guy long keeps getting killed trying to juan deag a peaker, so obviously we are to assume he will suddenly rush B tunnels the next round with a MAG-7. If they do announce their intentions, however, it will usually be after you’ve bought that AWP and suddenly you’re forced out of your position watching cat/mid to watch a B push. People who switch their roles on a round to round basis have serious mental problems and should be keeping themselves to CoD or Super Smash Brothers, and I’ve found that this affliction in competitive play coincides with a loss almost nine times out of ten.